You Aren’t What You Eat: A Lesson In How To Not Be A Dick


“It’s A Liopleurodon Charlie, A Magical Liopleurodon!”


Sometimes when I sit down to write a blog, I can’t help but try to find other analogies or things to express the point that I’m trying to get across. Most of the time I think these are things that most people are aware of or can relate to.

But today I’m going to take you back to the days of High School Cara, she was a little…well odd.

Specifically I would like to give you a little piece of my memories that still crops up from time to time. I’ll admit this video still makes me laugh just as much as it did in high school. I’ll warn you now though, if you don’t appreciate stupid humor, you may not appreciate this.

If you can’t handle all of it, at least skip to and watch from 0:57-1:36, this part is important for today’s lesson in how to be a unicorn.

If you can’t handle watching any of it, or you’re still trying to comprehend what the hell you just watched here’s a little refresher for you:

Charlie the Unicorn is taking a nap when all of a sudden his friends wake him up and invite (more like force) him to go on an adventure to Candy Mountain. On the first leg of their trip they come across a magical liopleurodon who tells them the way to Candy Mountain. Pretty sweet deal, eh?

Even if you just watched the clip, I think it’s pretty evident for us all to see that Charlie is kind of a skeptical about it but goes along anyway.

When Charlie tries to tell his friends that there is no actual candy mountain, they respond with chants of “Shun the non believer, Shuuuun.”

We’re going to leave our unicorn friends here for a minute to discuss real life problems, but we’ll check back in with Charlie later on.

You see the more people I encounter that advocate for different lifestyles, the more I get a sense of that “shun the non believer” feeling. I know I have poked a little fun at what I call super vegans, but the truth is you can find these super creatures in any kind of lifestyle. There are super vegetarians, and super paleos, and super omnivores, and the list continues.

The thing they all have in common? Their inability to see things from a different perspective. Their way of life is the right way and the only way, and anyone that doesn’t follow it isn’t worthy.

Yeah, shun the non-believer indeed.

I can understand having a sense of pride in your beliefs and in your lifestyle, but this extends beyond that. These people are out there tearing anyone and everyone down for so much as suggesting another idea. Not only that, but God forbid you ask them a question about their beliefs and expect not to have everything shoved down your throat.

I can’t help but ask what the hell they think they’re doing.

Time and time again I see a phrase in these arguments too, “You are what you eat.” 

And every time I see this, only one inappropriate thought comes to my mind:

Did you eat a dick for breakfast? Because that’s what you are right now.

Unfortunately for us, we don’t have a magical liopleurodon to guide us to candy mountain. In other words, we don’t have someone with all the right answers. And I feel like people forget this when it comes to having different and especially conflicting views.

Life and it’s choices are hard enough without everyone running around slinging mud at each other.

Watching these arguments break out and go on is like watching babes in bikinis mud wrestle each other, what is the fucking point?

Watching these things unravel makes me grateful for the non-judgmental friends I do have. Awhile back I had lunch with a friend who has been vegan for years, and you know what…I ate chicken. And you know what else? There was not even a speck of mud flung between us.*

*Disclaimer: Ok…so maybe there was a speck of mud flung…But we sat outside and it was windy as fuck, and mother nature was questioning our life choice at that moment.

The point is, it’s absolutely 100% possible to sit at the same table with someone and share a meal and have two totally different lifestyles. It’s possible to have a totally civil conversation about your lifestyles where you both listen and learn new things, and consider the other’s point of view. It’s possible to tell someone about your lifestyle and answer any questions they may have without shoving your belief dick down their throat.

If you seriously think your lifestyle makes you superior to others, STOP.

It is absurd to me the number of stories out there of meat eaters that trick vegetarian and vegan people into eating meat or animal products.

It is absurd to me the number of vegans and vegetarians out there that compare meat eaters to pedophiles and the KKK.

These are clearly the extreme cases, but if you have so much as thought a negative thought towards someone’s dietary lifestyle choices, STOP. We’re all guilty of it, admit it. Now don’t do it again.

I don’t believe lifestyles, especially when it comes to your diet, are a one size fits all. What works for one person, may not work for the next. We all have different body make ups, certain things may put people at risk for deficiencies, certain things may put people at risk for complications. Health is more than just “Eat this way and live forever.” I think encouraging people to eat healthy, regardless of how they go about it is what’s really important here.

The more you preach that your lifestyle is the only way, the more you are absolutely pushing people away from even wanting to listen to your point of view. Nobody is going to want to get on board with someone who can’t treat anyone with decency and respect. And that’s exactly what is going on in this battle royale in the diet world, people are verbally beating the shit out of each other and nobody is listening. There’s way more harm being done than good.

And you know what it all boils down to? Ignorance. 

If you find yourself fighting the urge to throw verbal fists, take the time to do research instead of just assuming the other person is wrong. If you’re still not sure you fully understand, that would be a good time to ask questions. And if someone asks you a question about your lifestyle genuinely trying to understand, then take the time to respond to them thoughtfully. And most importantly take the time to listen to each other.

For the record I don’t think ANY side is worse than the others, I think they’re all horribly intolerant of each other.

As you all know, I have just recently changed my diet drastically. And already I’ve received judgemental comments, and already I’m sick of it.

If I wanted to be Little Foot and live off Tree Stars for the rest of my life, who the fuck cares. As long as I’m healthy and it’s working for me, that should be the end of it. And I would say the same for your choices.

So much of our lives revolve around food, and the topic of food can be incredibly emotionally charged. When you add judgement into an already emotionally charged situation, you’re just going to end up with an even bigger explosion.

I know it’s hard to break free from that judgemental mindset, harder for some more than others. But I promise someone will be there to hold the ladder while you climb down from your high horse.

Life is one big table and we all have to decide how to set it. Do you want it to be a dysfunctional family holiday dinner, or do you want it to be a safe place where all can come to eat and enjoy each other’s company?

I, for one, welcome any and all to my table.

Make the choices that are right for you, and allow others to do the same.

Spoiler Alert: Just hopefully those choices don’t end you up in a cave missing a kidney like our poor friend Charlie.

I’m sorry if you’ve never experienced the gem that is Charlie the Unicorn before this blog post. There are, I believe, 4 videos in total if you want to experience some more.



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