The First Step…Is A Long Drop

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Hey friends!

I’m well aware it has been well over a month since I’ve posted anything.

If it makes you feel any better, I gave myself this pep talk before deciding to post this.

You’re a barely functioning adult, what made you think you could regularly post a blog.

Alas, I’m here for now. Maybe for awhile…maybe forever. But I’m like the seasonal drinks at Starbucks. Enjoy me while I’m here, be sad when I’m gone, but remember I will come again!

…Or something like that…

It’s time I tell you all the devastating news…I’m breaking up with my personal trainer.

Yes while I will miss his incredibly hot body, I will not miss how shitty of a person he is.

A word to the wise…the hotter they are…the crazier and shittier the personality.

Of course, I wouldn’t describe what I’m actually feeling about this situation as sadness. It’s more like a…OH SHIT I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF.

It’s like taking a crutch away from someone. They don’t want to give up that which they’ve depended on.

The first step completely on your own is the hardest…and the scariest…and the I-don’t-want-to-do-this-iest.

I’ve been trying to discern why this is so frightening to me, to have to do this on my own. This ain’t my first rodeo in the gym, I’ve been absorbing this information for a couple months now. So what is it?

My first thought was about how I actually don’t mind running alone, and how I actually prefer to run alone. And while there may be other people on the trails I run (when it’s not so fucking hot outside), but they don’t bother me either.

Of course in true Cara fashion, my introspective inner voice has a sense of humor as well.

Why doesn’t it bother me to run alone around other people?

Introspective inner voice: Because you can run the fuck away!

Now you see me! Now you don’t!

Just kidding…I don’t run that fast.

I’ve also gained this irrational fear of an impromptu sausage fest in the weight room that I didn’t sign up for but I’m the special guest anyway.

But then I realize that my resting bitch face will take care of me, just like it takes care of me in my daily life when I actually look decent.

Most of the time when I’m with my trainer I don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me. But the few times that I’ve had to go myself, I suddenly become way more hyper aware of my surroundings.

I’ve noticed that I invite a few stares every once in awhile.  A few head nods, a few smiles.

It makes me ridiculously uncomfortable, the amount of things I can imagine in my head that they’re possibly saying in their head. It ranges from the overly conceited feeling like a piece of meat with a hungry wolf to the lower end of ‘what is that moldy potato doing in the gym.’

However when I sit and actually think about what they’re probably really trying to say…it’s probably something supportive and encouraging. Like ‘way to go fellow gym goer, I see you putting in work.’ Or ‘I feel your pain, the 10lb dumbbells were also really heavy for me once, keep up the good work and soon you will have buffo-extreme arms like me!’

Just to be safe, I turn my music up a little bit louder and then use my telepathic facial expression powers to always send the same message:

Excuse me, Sir! I’m hypothetically selling drugs, fucking bitches, and getting money in my head right now to convince myself what a badass motherfucker I am so I don’t cry because this weight is really heavy and I want to go home. 

All ridiculous and irrational fears aside, and trust me I have plenty, I’ve realized that the thing I’m afraid of the most is that I will do something wrong. Without having someone there to watch my form or keep me from smashing my face with heavy weights, I feel like I’m losing my security blanket if you will.

But I’ve also come to realize that you can’t expect to have someone there beside you every single time. Unless of course you pay them, but still. So there comes a day when you just have to get over yourself and do it.

If you know me really well, and many of you do know me. You’ll know this is something I hardcore struggle with at times. And I’m not saying “get over yourself,” in a conceited way. Perhaps a better way of saying it would be…

Get the fuck out of my head little fat girl Cara.

Yeah that’s right, there’s this part of me that still lingers around from days past that sits there and tells me we shouldn’t do things because people will see us and make fun of us. I’m sure some of you have one of those too.

I’ve done a lot for myself in the last few years as far as confidence goes and even small things like realizing that not everyone is looking at me or watching and waiting for me to fuck up.

But there’s still a voice from time to time that I can’t shake. It’s a voice that I listened to for way too many years that kept me from doing things because I wasn’t skinny enough, or because I wasn’t good enough. But it was all bullshit back then, and it’s definitely still bullshit now.

I think there’s 3 keys to silencing that voice in your head:

  1. Unconditional Self Love – Yep, you heard me. And I mean UNCONDITIONAL. I hope to elaborate more on this in a future post from my experience. But essentially what I mean is you love yourself right this very instant. Not when you stop eating the ice cream you shouldn’t be eating, not when you step on the scale and it’s gone down whatever number you think it should, not when you run 26 miles. Right. Fucking. Now.
  2. Get the fuck up and do the things you’re afraid of doing – Maybe this is similar to mine where you’re afraid of creating and following a gym routine by yourself, or maybe you’re afraid to participate in a race because you’re not a fast runner, or maybe it’s any number of things. The only thing stopping you from doing it, is YOU. Get out of your head, tell that little fat kid inside your head to take a hike, and go do it.
  3. Repeat the mantra of badassery: “I am a badass human, living a badass life, doing badass things, and being a badass!”

Ok so maybe this entire post has been more of a pep talk to myself, but I’m sure some of you might benefit from it too.

Hey maybe a lot of you benefit from it and I’ll have all these little badass minions running around, including myself.

So I guess I’ll end this by saying…Go forth minions and spread your badassery around the world!

 

 

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