The image you see above is merely an illusion of how perfect everything went.
You see, girls can’t be eagle scouts so I have never learned how to be prepared. Or at least that’s my excuse for right now.
Really I think the best part about this is mixing this up with another recipe and realizing at the last minute before really getting started that I need to make rice instead of rice noodles.
To make it even more ironic the name of this dish is Bibimbap, it’s a Korean dish, and Bibimbap translates to “mixed rice.” Well done, Cara, well done.
In true Cara fashion I like to make things even more difficult and I only had brown rice in my house, if you’ve never cooked brown rice before…it seriously takes 50-60 mins. So I decided to look for a shortcut if one existed and I came across some instructions someone had written that would allow me to make my brown rice in only 30 mins with the microwave. What’s the worst that could happen, right? So I followed the directions and started the rice cooking process.
In the mean time I decided to prep the veggies for the dish, this one in particular called for julienned veggies.
I watched one video on how to julienne a carrot, thought to myself “who the hell is julienne and why is she such a pretentious bitch,” and promptly pulled the cheese grater out of my drawer.
Today’s Try It Thursday brought to you by shortcuts and laziness.
There’s only two reasons a true vegan would need to own a cheese grater: Vegetables and Blood Sacrifices.
Totally unrelated note to self, pay attention to where the carrot ends and your fingers begin.
For this dish in particular I decided to grate carrots and cucumbers, and the recipe I half assed-ly followed said to cook whatever vegetables in a little oil with some salt and pepper.
I also thought Bean Sprouts sounded like they would go well. Of course my first warning should have been when I asked if they carried fresh bean sprouts at the store and the guy said they didn’t and proceeded to list off all the diseases you could get from them. Fortunately or unfortunately, they carry them canned.
This is where shit gets real.
After I cooked the other vegetables in the oil I added a little more to the pan and let it sit there while I cursed the fact that the can of bean sprouts wasn’t one of those easy open tops with the little tabs on them.
You see my electric can opener broke awhile ago, so I’ve been returned to the dark ages with a manual can opener. The good old squeeze with one hand, twist the other kind. Fortunately it really helped me to channel my inner Knight in Shining Armor to rescue the Princess Bean Sprout from her can prison.
Now I just want you to picture everything I’m about to say happening all at the exact same time, like a complete and utter catastrophe.
Remember that rice you probably forgot about? I forgot all about it too…until it exploded EVERYWHERE in the microwave. In fact the door of the microwave was truly the only thing standing between me and the molten rice cascading from a once dormant bowl rice volcano. Right at this exact time that I jumped I was in the middle of the opening the can over the pan and that ungrateful Princess Bean Sprout pissed in the hot oil.
Damn it, Princess Bean Sprout!
I don’t really know what kind of liquid they put in the can of bean sprouts, but maybe I should be a little more concerned because as soon as it hit the oil it basically ignited the whole thing.
Here’s brief interruption for a few kitchen fire safety tips in case you don’t know:
- For oil and grease fires NEVER use water to try to put it out.
- If you can safely, put a lid or another pan on top of it to try and extinguish the fire.
- If that doesn’t work, pour lots of baking soda or salt on it.
- If all else fails or it’s out of control, get everybody out and call the fire department.
Fortunately I was able to put a lid on it real quick and extinguish it, I also happened to have a giant thing of salt sitting right next to it but the lid did the job. I am kind of thankful that I had mentors teach me these things over the years because I wouldn’t even know where to start trying to explain what the hell I was doing to the fire department.
I’m pretty sure they would have handed me an easy bake oven and told me it was probably more along the lines of my cooking skills and safer too.
Except it’s not!
There’s a reason they tell you to have adult supervision with those things, they get stupid hot. And when there isn’t an adult around to tell you not to touch the hot parts, what does your stupid child self do? You touch the f’ing hot parts!
So what do you do when you don’t have adult supervision when you’re cooking new and weird things?
You live through an explosion and a fire, all in the same night. Imagine that, how about a side of adrenaline to go along with your bibimbap.
Thank you Universe, you’re welcome Cara.
After recovering I decided to proceed with the experiment knowing the only two things that could happen now were certain death or ending up with some semblance of a meal I literally almost died for.
I managed to salvage some of the rice that was left in the bowl, fortunately it also turned out to be perfectly cooked. Perhaps a sign that my luck was changing.
Eventually I did cook up the bean sprouts, and I also cooked up some mushrooms with brown sugar, tamari, and mirin. Mmm the mushrooms were delicious this way.
Then came time to mix up the sauce which consisted of Gochujang, Sesame Oil, Brown Sugar, Tamari, and Rice Vinegar. It was definitely interesting to say the least, I’m still trying to decide how I felt about it, I’ll get back to you on that.
So in the picture I posted at the beginning of the post, I had the rice in the bowl and then the sprouts, carrots, cucumbers to the left and the mushrooms to the right. The red stuff at the bottom of the bowl is the sauce although by the time I took the picture it had pretty much soaked through to the bottom.
Of course I then proceeded to put the final touches on the dish, by mixing the rice. Upon chowing down I realized I had put waaaaayyyyyyy too many bean sprouts in it and it kind of ruined it all for me. But I do think the flavor of the sauce and the rice and other veggies were quite delicious. If I make it again I will probably add tofu, for all you meat eaters out there it would probably be good with chicken.
And remember kids, only you can prevent kitchen fires.
Also I forgot the damn avocado.
I’m sorry this recipe was such a failure, I’ve still included it below in case you want to try your own hand at it. Also I’m sorry if you can’t find something mentioned in this recipe, let me know and I’ll send you a picture of what you’re looking for and tell you where you can probably find it.